Old Photographs

I guess it would be helpful to delete the old photos of him. I wasn't expecting them to be in my trash on my iphoto. I felt my heart sink as I looked at them. Me and him together. I don't even know myself with that person anymore. I'm smiling and we look happy.

I should delete them.

But I can't.

What makes me not want to delete them? Looking at them won't make me feel better. It won't make him come back. For a moment I can be back in that moment, but instead of feeling happy all I do is feel sad.

Terrified

I drove home from a "date" last week and all I could think about was him. I'm terrified that I will constantly compare every guy I date to him. That I will be sitting across from them at dinner wishing they were someone else. Will I ever be satisfied? Will I be able to find the happiness I once felt with him... with someone else?

I hate that I drive home feeling even more sad than I did before. I hate that I end up crying and calling him just because I want to hear his voice.

I'm not okay. And dating will be, and should be, out of the question for a good long while.

Every single time he walks back into my life... and then walks back out, I feel like I lose him all over again. It hurts. And it's so hard to move on. It's so hard to feel okay and be happy when I feel like I might get what I want. And what I want is him. Him and all his fucked up ways. His messed up head and indecisiveness. I fell hard in love with him. I fell too hard in love with someone who probably never really wanted the same things I wanted.

It definitely makes it more difficult to believe that there might be someone out there who will actually want to be with me. Who will say it and really mean it. Who will say it and actually do what they need to do to make it happen.

Words are cheap. Words don't love you; they don't keep you warm on cold nights. They can't wrap their arms around you when you've had a long day. They can't kiss you goodnight.

You would think it would get easier for me... to have him walk away over and over again. It gets harder. Every single time hurts a little bit more than the last. And I have no clue why.

No clue

How many times do you let someone come in and out of your life before you kick them out for good? How many times do you let them text and call you saying that same thing over and over again before you change your number. How many times does it take before you really quit loving him and decide that enough is enough.

I never really know. I say I'm going to be stronger. That next time he calls me I won't answer. I won't answer his texts and let him dick me around like he has been. I try so hard not to cave in. But something pulls me back in.

It's a viscous cycle. And he says the same thing every single time. And for some reason, every single time I believe him. And after you've broken my heart my expectations are that you'll be better. That you'll try harder to win me back, to prove to me that you won't walk away again. I don't feel like that's a ridiculous thing to expect.

And every single time he's good for a few days... and then he fades away. He just disappears. I end up getting angry and call to tell him I'm done. But am I really done? I'm beginning to think that maybe he's just testing me to see how far he can push me. To see how far he can push me ... and then pull back.

I'm exhausted.

Square One

This isn't where I wanted to be. I spent 8 months of my life thinking I had found the man I was going to marry. I found the man I was going to have children with. Who I was going to settle down, but move all over the country with. I'm still so sad. I had wanted these things so bad. I wanted them with him. I can't tell you why my heart picked him. I can't tell you why in my gut I felt so sure. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling. I wish I could shake it.

I had pictured my life being different right now. I thought I'd be living in Colorado with him, starting our new life together and just letting whatever happen, happen. I thought I'd be moving forward and being happy, when instead I feel like I'm stuck and I'm miserable.

How many times can my heart break before I have nothing else left to give...?

It's hard to believe that I was once hurting because he hurt me. He cheated on me, and I had loved him. It feels so nice to be really over it. Could it be I'm just distracted? No... I'm really over him... because I fell in love again.

I'm depressed.

We'll call him B... B came home from Afghanistan. We were in love. Made plans for a future. Talked about what we were going to name our children. I was planning on moving to Colorado to be with him... to be closer to him because I hate long distance relationships. Because after he came back from Afghanistan and I wrapped my arms around him I didn't want to waste another second being away from him. It's crazy the things you'd do for someone you love. For someone you just have that gut feeling about. I had that gut feeling... despite everything.

I hate how sad I still feel. I'm even sitting here with my face drenched in tears just thinking about his face. Thinking about the way he held me... Going to pick him up from the airport... getting text messages and phone calls from him. I hate that when I see airplanes in the sky it always makes me think of him. I go to the Pruneyard and I drive by the hotels we stayed in while he was home... and I'm reminded. Even going to Hollister to visit my friend Stephanie. I was so tempted to drive by his mom's house... just so I could feel a little bit closer to him.

And none of it makes any sense to me. Still. Why would you tell your mom that someone is the perfect girl for you... that you think she's the one... and walk away? Not even fight? I would have fought for him until I was blue in the face and had nothing left to give. Did he not really love me at all? I don't know.

I hate how I'm trying to fill a void and nothing is working. I hate that I lay awake at night thinking about him, wishing things were different... thinking that he doesn't even care. He's not laying awake thinking about me... he's laying awake wishing he was in Afghanistan, feeling guilty and lonely. He's not wishing things were different between us... he's not feeling sad that he let me go.

Goodbye

I won't be writing on this anymore... I might even delete it. Or hide it if I can...

I've found someone. It isn't the most ideal situation because he's in Afghanistan fighting in a war... But I know he's crazy about me... and he can't wait to see me when he comes home in December.

It feels good to have moved on... and if I do run into you again... I'll know that I just was missing you because you had become like my best friend... and I lost you. But I'm okay now. I'm better than okay. So bye...