It's hard to believe that I was once hurting because he hurt me. He cheated on me, and I had loved him. It feels so nice to be really over it. Could it be I'm just distracted? No... I'm really over him... because I fell in love again.
I'm depressed.
We'll call him B... B came home from Afghanistan. We were in love. Made plans for a future. Talked about what we were going to name our children. I was planning on moving to Colorado to be with him... to be closer to him because I hate long distance relationships. Because after he came back from Afghanistan and I wrapped my arms around him I didn't want to waste another second being away from him. It's crazy the things you'd do for someone you love. For someone you just have that gut feeling about. I had that gut feeling... despite everything.
I hate how sad I still feel. I'm even sitting here with my face drenched in tears just thinking about his face. Thinking about the way he held me... Going to pick him up from the airport... getting text messages and phone calls from him. I hate that when I see airplanes in the sky it always makes me think of him. I go to the Pruneyard and I drive by the hotels we stayed in while he was home... and I'm reminded. Even going to Hollister to visit my friend Stephanie. I was so tempted to drive by his mom's house... just so I could feel a little bit closer to him.
And none of it makes any sense to me. Still. Why would you tell your mom that someone is the perfect girl for you... that you think she's the one... and walk away? Not even fight? I would have fought for him until I was blue in the face and had nothing left to give. Did he not really love me at all? I don't know.
I hate how I'm trying to fill a void and nothing is working. I hate that I lay awake at night thinking about him, wishing things were different... thinking that he doesn't even care. He's not laying awake thinking about me... he's laying awake wishing he was in Afghanistan, feeling guilty and lonely. He's not wishing things were different between us... he's not feeling sad that he let me go.
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