The Truth

It's so strange.... this thing I keep doing to myself. I feel bipolar... I do things and see people who make me feel so incredibly happy... and then something happens where my strength is tested and I fail. I fail miserably and I feel so incredibly sad all over again because when I'm with him I get a glimpse of what it could be like being with him again. But there are always other girls. I'm not the only one he spends time with and a big part of me feels like I shouldn't have to share him. I shouldn't have to be thinking about what other girl he's laughing with... or kissing... or touching... or having sex with. It makes me feel sick. But I have no right to tell him he can't do those things.

There was a moment on Thursday night... when June 6th popped into my head... and I felt hurt all over again because that one day has ruined me. Even thinking about it now makes me cry so hard and I've cried too many times over it. And thinking about that leads to thinking about "Oh I wonder if there were any other times...?" And I never know. I never will know.

Sure I can tell him he should be with me despite all this... and me only until I'm blue in the face and I sound like a broken record. But it doesn't matter. My words are lost on the deaf ears of someone who wants something completely different from what I want. They are lost on someone who wants anyone else but me.

We all enjoy getting what we want... but I HAVE TO get what I want. I'm in this life only one time and what's the point if I'm not getting happiness from it? What's the point if I end up feeling bipolar all the time... because seeing him makes me feel so amazing... but being without him makes me feel so sad?

That's why I have to walk away. Walking away makes me feel like I have control when being with him I feel like I have none. I get no say.

I should know better by now. I should know that no matter how hard I fight or how many times I say I'm walking away he will not chase after me. I wonder how different my life would look right now... had I just stayed away on that night September 27, 2008 when I walked out on him the first time.